A Roving Eye

An article in USA Today reported a new study that outfitted men with an eye-tracking system (which measures eye movement) found men looked more at women’s bodies than their faces. No. Really? Did we really need a study to tell us what we already knew? Why don’t we do a study on ways we waste money doing stupid studies?

Girls wouldn’t sext and instagram their body parts for the entire world to see if they didn’t get attention. Girls never send pictures of their teeth. You know why? Nobody would care.

Kim Kardashian recently instagramed her bootie and even if you’re not a fan, you looked; you couldn’t help it. When something that massive takes up an entire screen, you notice. Thank goodness it wasn’t in IMAX.

 Anthony Weiner texted pictures of his wiener to women. Did he choose his wiener to conduct a play-on-words with his last name? I don’t know. I’m not sure. All I know is that photo should never grace the cover of a Christmas card.

Do men go to strip bars for the stimulating conversation? Is there a man alive who could tell you the color of Bambi’s eyes? Would men notice or care if a ‘headless stripper’ performed?   They would care if the stripper started to put clothes on.

Sunglasses were invented so men could hide their ogling. It dates back to the caveman. At first the caveman was happy to be out hunting deer and ogling women while his wife stayed home and swept the cave’s dirt floor. But when his wife got bored staying home and reading the walls she insisted she go along on his camping trips. The husband realized his wife would catch on quickly that he was checking out more than deer for dinner. This is when the idea for sunglasses was born. Every man passed down to his son his club and the eternal hope that some male would invent sunglasses.

A man on the beach wears sunglasses not so much for protection from the sun, but rather protection from physical harm should his wife see him looking at another woman. How much do you wanna bet the caveman’s wife used his club to hit him in the wiener while he slept?