Know When To Go

The app RunPee.com (99cents) lets you know the best time to go to the bathroom at the movies. When the movie starts click the app and your phone will vibrate during predetermined slow spots, alerting you to restroom opportunities. While in the bathroom the app fills you in on what you’re missing. When you return to your seat you no longer have to ask your date what you missed and annoy those around you with your talking.

This is a great app for those who buy the 5 gallon soda jug; but if you didn’t drink 5 gallons you wouldn’t need the app. You can sit through the movie after drinking 5 gallons, but the question is – would you enjoy it when your mind is in the toilet?

This app can be a blessing for the mom with three kids because she knows one or all her kids will need to use bathroom at some point during the movie, now she’ll know the best time. Only with four kids by the time she returns to her seat she would have missed not only the slow parts, but also the best parts of the movie.                             

With this app you’ll get the person who doesn’t have to go to the bathroom, but will obey their apps command, the way they obeyed their mother when told, “Go before we leave the house.” They listen. They’re conditioned. This person will step on your feet and block the screen while crawling over you.

 When we watch movies from home we can hit the pause button when we have to pee. But, I’ve found that everybody’s time frame for how long a pause should be is different. There’s the quick pause for pee breaks. There’s the longer pause for bathroom breaks that include #’s 1 and 2. There’s the necessary pause to replenish dwindling snack supply. And there’s the eternity pause for checking e-mail, reading a book, taking a walk, watching a different movie and giving birth. One time it took us three days to watch a movie. 

With RunPee I fear people’s internal ‘pause’ will get longer and so will bathroom breaks. In the bathroom stall they’ll text a friend who is home and hits pause on the movie they’re watching because they want to see the movie they rented. I fear every woman in the theater will have RunPee. Imagine 100 women (with kids) charging to the bathroom all at once. Imagine the mayhem. Imagine the horror. Now, that’s a horror movie not to be missed.

Sleep Deprived Parents

We may not get the amount of sleep desired during the week with school and work cutting into our sleep which is why we try to play catch-up on the weekends, unless it happens to be daylight savings time weekend. Who decided to place daylight saving time (which robs us of an hour of sleep) on the weekend when we’re trying to catch up on sleep? All it succeeds in doing is making people rush and be late for church. My mother rushed to get dressed and out before she realized – she’s retired. She has no place to be. She wakes when she wants and eats when she wants. The woman has no time constraints.

But, for those of us who have time constraints, daylight saving time can be hazardous to your health. An article in USA Today on March 7 cited Christopher Barnes (management professor at University of Washington) has documented an increase of workplace injuries and that heart attacks and car accidents are higher on Sleepy Monday. To me daylight saving time is like an annual short-term case of jetlag. You feel disoriented for a while and then you get through it.

Some will use the lost hour as an excuse to not do things such as – I was going to go to the gym with the hour we lost. Some will claim it impedes their work. Ladies of the Night will now have to wait extra hours before walking the streets; otherwise they’ll lose the hard-earned title – Ladies of the Night.

If it’s true that loss of sleep due to daylight saving time can be hazardous to one’s health, then what about becoming a first time parent? In the blink of an eye two people go from sleeping eight hours a night to never sleeping. Then is a baby a danger to your health? Does sleeping four hours a night, say for one year, put you in the danger zone? And the thing about parenthood is you can’t catch up on sleep over the weekend. Does being sleep deprived and anxious put you in a high risk category? You’re told to sleep when the baby sleeps, but no one listens. You would never bath and that’s not good.

New parents are so deprived they reach in the fridge for a cold bottle and realize they’re drinking baby formula rather than beer. New parents are so deprived they put the dog in the car seat and throw a bone to the baby when going out. New parents are so deprived they powder their baby’s bottom along with their cell phone and wrap both in a diaper. Every time the baby’s diaper rings, they run around in circles.                                    

This ongoing sleep deprivation can’t be good, especially for the baby with the cell phone in its diaper. New parents spend every day looking to catch some sleep and for their cell phones. Daylight saving time may be hazardous to your health, but parenthood can be deadly. Someone should do a study, but please, hang onto your cell phone. 

When to Cut the Cord

Rachel Canning, an 18 year old, New Jersey honor student, moved out of her parents’ house because she didn’t want to follow their rules. Now she lives with her best friend’s family and is suing her parents to pay for her college education and cost of living fees. She wants the judge to award her “Dependent on her parents for support as a student.” Is this the height of entitlement or should parents be legally obligated to pay for their child’s schooling?

I have a couple of questions: What if the parents pay for her college tuition and after college she can’t get a job… do they still have to financially support her when she is legally an adult? How long can this be allowed to go on…till your adult child is 30, 40 or 50 years old? Did she ever entertain the thought of getting a part-time job? When do you cut the cord?

She doesn’t like her parents’ rules but she likes what their money can buy her; too bad it didn’t buy her a strong work ethic.

 Every kid will want to sue their parents if this girl wins her case. Every parent and child has disagreements about curfew and rules. Every parent tells their child, “You live in my house, you live by my rules.” If they didn’t they’d be your friend. There’s a difference between a parent and a friend.

A friend is the person you stayed out past curfew with. A parent worries where you are and if you’re ok and punishes you for breaking curfew. A friend is the person you hung out and laughed with rather than doing your chores. A parent internally cries when their child screams, “I hate you,” for grounding them. A friend is the person with you when you ditch school, go joy-riding and get into an accident. A parent looks at the mangled car and their child and thanks God their child walked away. Then that same parent sets up a payment plan for their child to pay them back. Hopefully the plan teaches financial and moral responsibility.

This girl wants to live away from home with no rules or responsibilities and have her parents’ financial support. She makes it sound like summer camp where your parents pay for you to swim in the lake all day. It time she learns life isn’t summer camp. It’s time to throw her in the lake and cut the cord.                                                                

Wanted Facial Hair

Beard implants are the new men’s trend. For $2,000 - $6,000 men who can’t grow facial hair can pay to have it implanted. This is great when you’re young and have a full head of hair, but what happens as you age and the hair on your head starts to thin; you’ll be left with nothing but a beard.  You’ll be like the guy who’s partially bald with a ponytail. It’s not pretty.

With beards and mustaches come grooming etiquette and the lack thereof. There’s always that one guy with the crumb in his mustache or beard.  You’re fixated on the mustard covered crumb that’s just dangling and holding on for dear life. Crumbs will always have a home with the man who doesn’t groom. Why, when Christmas is over Santa keeps his elves on fulltime just to groom his beard.                                                                         

                                                                     

What happens to the man who gets implants and years later gets tired of his beard and wants it gone? He can’t shave it. Beard implants, unlike fashion trends cannot be changed or discarded over time. It’s permanent and permanent becomes history. A man won’t be able to wax, pluck or laser it away like women do with unwanted hair.

I find it ironic that men would pay to have facial hair and women pay to have facial hair removed. It’s not fair. And yet, there’s a billion dollar industry built on women devoted to having facial hair removed. Since women don’t want a uni-brow we wax and pluck. We learn beauty is pain the first time we wax. Since we don’t want strangers picking crumbs from our mustache we wax. Since we don’t want to braid our armpit hair we wax. Since we don’t want people to think we’re wearing pants when it’s leg hair, we wax. We all wax. When we enter menopause we’ll wax - more, except for the bearded lady in the circus, she never waxes.  I think has the right idea.