Growing Old

            My son clipped a Polident coupon, and gave it to me, I don’t know why but I saved it. The magazine Arthritis Today, arrived in the mail, I don’t know why, but I read it. My last doctors visit; he would frequently utter the words,”Someone of your age.” He looked like he should be playing little league. I don’t know why, but I wanted to hurt him. Celebrated my birthday, in a restaurant, at the same time a senior citizen convention was held. I felt happy and I knew why.

            Some people accept growing older graciously, and some people fight it tooth-n-nail. However you feel about growing older, we all have to face the facts. The facts are, things change. Things such as, getting out of bed in the morning, has become your physical workout for the day. Dyeing your hair is no longer done to make a fashion statement, rather a necessity. Good support means more than just moral support. Clean pipes has two meanings, and Drano can only be used to unclog one set of pipes. Vicks and BENGAY make a pleasant scent when used together: you don’t know why somebody hasn’t already bottled it. You have a child in elementary school and one in college. You forget about the one in college, as you don’t look old enough to have a kid in college. Suddenly, you watch with interest commercials about Depends undergarments. Dressing “sexy,” now means pulling your hair back so your earlobes show. After dinner mints have been replaced by Extra Strength Tums, nightly. Spare tire - not just found in your car anymore. You take offense to someone playing loud music. Then you take offense to the same person, as they don’t speak loudly enough for you to hear.

            Exercise doesn’t energize you the way it used to. You lie down on the floor to do sit-ups and you fall asleep. I swear, I was asleep no more than a minute before my husband found me. Gazing into your loved ones eyes requires you to put on your glasses. The words what and where make up a large part of your vocabulary. “Hey, kid, what is your name? I know you live here, I’m going to remember it eventually.” Where, now where did I park the car? Beverages such as Metamucil and prune juice have become your drink of choice. You believe every restaurant should have them listed on the menu. You’re accepted the fact that an iron can’t remove all wrinkles. Some wrinkles aren’t just found on your clothes anymore. Realizing you’re talking to yourself isn’t as scary as it used to be. Happily, you carry on the conversation as there is no one for you to get into an argument with. The sad part about growing older is when your husband looks into your eyes and says, ”Let’s go to bed, early, tonight.” What he really means is, let’s go to sleep, early, tonight. The saddest part however, is you know what he means and you’re so happy, you could cry.

No Shirt, No Shoes, No Clothes, No Problem

Seb Lyall, a London restaurateur, is opening a clothing optional, pop-up restaurant in London. Lyall said his dream is “true liberation,” designed with body positivity. Photography is banned. The cutlery will be edible and patrons have access to a changing room with locker before they’re seated. The tables are set up for privacy. You can only see someone’s back or silhouette or their shadows from candles. I guess we can be thankful there’s no dressing room fluorescent lighting.

When eating in the nude one doesn’t have to waste time picking out the perfect outfit. I’m such a slob when I eat that I can’t imagine eating without clothes, a bib, drop cloth or napkin. Although in this restaurant I wouldn’t place my napkin on my lap. If you’re dining with your husband and spill ketchup or mustard on yourself, instead of him offering his napkin, he’ll offer to ‘be your napkin’ and personally wipe you clean, taking his time. Spilling hot chicken soup with matzo balls can be painful and embarrassing for a man. He reaches in his lap to pick up a ball and…Oops, wrong ball.

If this restaurant has a buffet, certain risks are posed to diners. Imagine a buxom woman, hanging low, reaching for the salad dressing. She’ll wind up with dressing on her salad and her bosom.

Even though the restaurant is designed to ensure diners privacy and prevent gawking, I guarantee when one walks to the restroom there will be gawking. And, depending on the shape you’re in, you will either run or strut to the restroom.

I would advise men against taking a woman to this restaurant for a first date. When she sees her date, naked, she may swallow her drink along with her bitter disappointment. The man is puzzled when she declines a second date. On second thought, maybe dining in the nude is a great idea. One sees everything they need in order to make a clear decision.