Making an Entrance

Gliding down a long, winding staircase with your gown and luminous hair flowing behind you is the way to make an elegant entrance. Some people like to make an entrance and that’s the way to make a memorable one.                                               

The most memorable entrance I ever made was back in college. I entered the student union building, slipped on a puddle of water, slid across the floor and fell on my butt. I don’t think the laughing spectators noticed my cheeks flushed red with embarrassment as I gathered my books which had flown in all directions. Elegant is not the word to describe that entrance.

Recently, I was in a meeting where two ladies made two different entrances, each disruptive in its own way.

The first lady entered and realizing the meeting was in session tried to be quiet as she settled in. She didn’t succeed. A herd of elephants would have been quieter. She bumped into chairs. She knocked into and over things with her umbrella. She blew (loudly) her nose. She knocked over her water. She didn’t like her chair, asked the person next to her to switch and soon had us all playing musical chairs. Finally, ten minutes later, when she was comfortable, the meeting resumed and lady number two entered.

Lady number two didn’t notice or care she interrupted a conversation in progress when she swung open the door. With all eyes upon her she took center stage and ran down a list for being late. She told us about her day, week, year and life up till that moment. She must have confused us with a support group, thinking we cared about her problems. We didn’t! Finally, when her impromptu therapy session was over, she announced, “Anyway, I’m here.” As soon as she settled in her seat the group leader announced, “Time’s up.”

On our way out the door some (me) of us may have trampled ladies 1 and 2; I’m not sure. I’m not sure how to make an elegant entrance, but I sure know how to make a quick exit.

 

Lift and Separate

An article in USA Today reported that Playtex has come out with a more contemporary line of bras in hopes of gaining younger consumers and increasing sales.

Recently, I went bra shopping and was surprised at the latest styles. One style was memory foam. Is this really a good idea for the woman who has to lift her breast up off the floor before she puts on her bra? No woman wants to put on a bra and have it fall to the floor for her to step into. A bra should lift them up so no woman walks around hunched over all day. It’s bad for the back.

I have a memory foam mattress which is great as it draws the invisible line down the beds center, keeping hubby on his side of the bed. Memory foam for a bed is good. Memory foam for a bra is not good.

One bra had a tag which read ‘Funny Shapes Fixed.’ Would advertisers would be so cruel and heartless to put such a label on a package of men’s underwear?

There was a mother and daughter in the fitting room next to me and the daughter was trying on bras. I know because I heard the mother using phrases like, “It won’t give much support,” and “You need more coverage.” The girl and I emerged from the dressing room at the same time. I looked at her and thought… she’s young. Memory foam bras were made for her.

I paid for my bras and the physical support guaranteed and then went home to get emotional support from my husband. Those memory foam bras can leave an emotional scar.

Going Dutch

Times are a changing.’ In a recent study presented at the American Sociological Associations annual meeting found that 84% of men and 58% of women said men pay for most dating expenses and a lot of women like it this way. If you’re a woman – why wouldn’t you like it? It found people in their 20’s were the most likely to embrace an equal partnership when dating, meaning girls as well as boys will pick up the tab.

The first time I went to lunch with my husband (during college) it was to a fine establishment where the question of the day is, “You want fries with that?” We placed our order and then he searched his wallet and pockets for money. When he came up short, he turned toward me and asked, “Um, you got any money?” Together we had enough money for the burger, no fries. I paid, and despite claims my meal did not make me happy.

If you’re in a serious relationship with plans to marry, then there’s nothing wrong with a woman going Dutch or picking up the tab.

Today, some women are contributing toward their engagement ring. Big mistake. If a woman goes Dutch on the ring it’s not a gift, but rather an investment.

Say a couple buys a ring, gets married and then divorced; if the ring cost $10,000 you can bet the couple will wind up fighting over it in court. Something so beautiful that once signified love and hope now signifies a good chunk of money. No parent ever passes down the ring of a failed marriage to their child and says, “It didn’t work for us, but, hey maybe it will for you. Good luck.”

Marriage is hard enough without going into it with such low expectations. My question is – now that men expect women to contribute to the ring, will they reciprocate and contribute to the wedding? Is this something women should expect?

It's Good for You

Doctors have found a cure for Clostridium difficile (C-diff) which is an infection causing nausea, diarrhea and cramping; it’s - “fecal transplants.” Yes, you read correctly. Fecal transplants puts healthy people’s poop into pills. Donor stool (usually from a relative) is processed in a lab and there’s no stool left by the time the patient takes it. The pills contents are released after it makes it way past the stomach.

How’d you like to be the guy who has this job? How do you get this job? Is it listed in the want ads of your local newspaper? Will young children dream of becoming a poop collector? Once the poop is collected it’s taken to a lab to be processed. The foods removed and the bacteria is extracted and cleaned.

Being a parent would be enough to prepare one for this job. Nothing or no one can prepare parents for their baby’s first blowout. One minute you’re looking at your cute, laughing baby in their outfit and the next you’re wearing rubber gloves, a mask and protective goggles while changing the diarrhea covered outfit.  You’re no longer laughing with your baby.

As parents you learn to control your breathing so you don’t inhale during the diaper changing process. As parents you’ll also witness certain foods (like corn) will decorate the diaper landscape. And as a parent you’ll learn the fine art of diaper fishing. Diaper fishing is when you quickly and deftly fish out items your toddler swallowed such as: coins, marbles and jewelry. I’d be curious to know, if the poop collector fines a diamond ring, if he keeps it. That would make a pretty nice Christmas bonus. I think this job has reality show material written all over it.

The other day, in a deli I ordered a drink to go. As I’m waiting, a male employee emerges from the bathroom. Goes behind the counter, take an unwrapped straw and stick it in my drink. I’m screaming out loud, at the top of my lungs, silently in my head – NO. This man just came from the bathroom. I don’t know if he washed his hands, but I do know I wouldn’t wager any bets. I don’t need his hands or his poop in my drink. I do know if I need poop, by golly, I’ll take a pill.

Pastrami on Pretzel

An article in USA Today reported that so many restaurants have adapted the pretzel bun, making it the fastest-growing sandwich bread. Since pretzels don’t contain the fat of other breads and pastries, this makes perfect sense.

Why, restaurants can serve pretzels to fit their nationality. An Italian restaurant can serve mozzarella cheese pretzel. A Mexican restaurant can serve salsa pretzel. And a Chinese restaurant can serve wonton pretzel.

No matter what flavor the pretzel is, for me, it must be hot. I like a hot, crispy pretzel. Once the pretzel cools and loses its crunch, I lose my appetite. I can’t stand holding a pretzel that feels like a wet noodle. When I bite into a pretzel I want the sensation of biting into a potato chip. I like my pizza crust the same way. It’s only a matter of time till we have pretzel crust.

With pretzel bread you’ll no longer have to decide what bread to have your chicken salad on. The choices are endless: white, wheat, French, Italian, whole grain, fresh or stale and rye (seeds or no seeds.) Sometimes it can take longer to choose your bread than to eat your sandwich.

Pretzel bread is also a timesaver as there’s no crust to cut off. Parents will no longer have to cut the crust off their kid’s peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I will no longer have to cut the crust off my peanut butter and jelly sandwich. The pretzel bread maybe the greatest invention since sliced bread (pun intended.)