It's Good for You

Doctors have found a cure for Clostridium difficile (C-diff) which is an infection causing nausea, diarrhea and cramping; it’s - “fecal transplants.” Yes, you read correctly. Fecal transplants puts healthy people’s poop into pills. Donor stool (usually from a relative) is processed in a lab and there’s no stool left by the time the patient takes it. The pills contents are released after it makes it way past the stomach.

How’d you like to be the guy who has this job? How do you get this job? Is it listed in the want ads of your local newspaper? Will young children dream of becoming a poop collector? Once the poop is collected it’s taken to a lab to be processed. The foods removed and the bacteria is extracted and cleaned.

Being a parent would be enough to prepare one for this job. Nothing or no one can prepare parents for their baby’s first blowout. One minute you’re looking at your cute, laughing baby in their outfit and the next you’re wearing rubber gloves, a mask and protective goggles while changing the diarrhea covered outfit.  You’re no longer laughing with your baby.

As parents you learn to control your breathing so you don’t inhale during the diaper changing process. As parents you’ll also witness certain foods (like corn) will decorate the diaper landscape. And as a parent you’ll learn the fine art of diaper fishing. Diaper fishing is when you quickly and deftly fish out items your toddler swallowed such as: coins, marbles and jewelry. I’d be curious to know, if the poop collector fines a diamond ring, if he keeps it. That would make a pretty nice Christmas bonus. I think this job has reality show material written all over it.

The other day, in a deli I ordered a drink to go. As I’m waiting, a male employee emerges from the bathroom. Goes behind the counter, take an unwrapped straw and stick it in my drink. I’m screaming out loud, at the top of my lungs, silently in my head – NO. This man just came from the bathroom. I don’t know if he washed his hands, but I do know I wouldn’t wager any bets. I don’t need his hands or his poop in my drink. I do know if I need poop, by golly, I’ll take a pill.