It's a Mystery

The city council of Greensboro is considering an ordinance that would prevent bus riders from wearing pants that hang too low. The ordinance would require waistbands no lower than three inches below the hip bones so this way skin or underwear won’t show. If you violate the ordinance you could be banned from riding public transportation for up to thirty days.

Cities such as Fort Worth, Texas and Springfield, Ill., have already adopted such a policy.

It’s believed sagging pants originated in prison – prisoners aren’t given belts because they can be used as a suicide tool, so their pants sag. I can understand the reasoning, but what I don’t understand is the person who wants to emulate prison attire. Why emulate a bad role model? Was it someone’s way of paying homage to a friend or relative in jail? Are we fresh out of good role models to emulate? Is there any logical reason why?

I think I speak for all of us tired of this tasteless and disrespectful fashion when I say, “It’s about time.” There was a time when people cared enough to get embarrassed if their underwear showed; before low-rise jeans made the thong a necessity rather than an uncomfortable accessory.

What type of underwear a person wore was a mystery, you had to look at a man and guess – boxers or briefs. Did he wear the heart covered briefs his wife gave him… just on Valentine’s Day or year round? How often did he change his underwear? Did he leave it on the floor or place it in the hamper? Did he wear underwear to bed or go commando? It was an unsolvable mystery.

You had to look at a women and guess – 100% cotton or satin thong. Was she practical with buying the Hanes value pack or playful with buying the Victoria Secret lace thong? Did she suffer wedgie’s from her practical underwear like she did from her frilly thong? Did she ever mistake her thong for dental floss? It was an unsolvable mystery.

One time at work, my husband’s pants split. He was embarrassed and when people stared, laughed, pointed and snickered – mortified. He came home to change pants and seek solace from me. Unfortunately, for him I was on the floor, doubled over in laughter, gasping for air that I couldn’t offer him comfort. He changed his pants and returned to work. I had a good laugh and that day his coworkers solved the mystery.

Know When to Go

My husband and I saw a play that was so bad we left during intermission. We would have left earlier but didn’t want to draw attention to ourselves and disrupt the play. I always feel funny being the first to leave any event so at a party I permit myself to leave only after someone else leaves first. Seeing the first person leave is like a signal for others to leave and then there’s a stampede toward the door. All at once fifty people are grabbing their coats, gloves, hats and bags and elbowing their way out the door.

As a host you never mind the person who leaves first; however, you do mind the person who leaves last. When you have a guest who won’t leave you’re faced with the question – how do I get rid of them? Do you give hints such as yawning or changing into pajamas? Do you give verbal hints proclaiming you’re tired and have to rise early in the morning for work? Do you make promises you don’t intend to keep such as, “I promise to call tomorrow, Mother, if you go home, now.”

As a host, should you feel obligated to watch television with them? Should you feel obligated to feed them the turkey sandwich they request, after the kitchen has been closed for the night? Do you rub their feet as requested or do you request they lift their feet so you can run the vacuum under the couch?                                  

                                                                                                                                                        

 When it comes to unwanted guests I’m reminded of a line Tony Randall said in one of my all-time favorite shows The Odd Couple, “Never overstay your welcome or you’ll never be welcomed to stay over.” No truer words have ever been said.

Do it Yourself Obituaries

An article in USA Today talked about the “selfie obit” and how more and more people are writing their own obituaries because they don’t trust the newspaper or family to get it right. Type in “self obituary” on YouTube and you’ll find about 10,000 touching, shocking or amusing ones.

 

Susan Soper (a former Atlanta newspaper editor) sells “ObitKits” that show people how to sum up their lives in ways meaningful to them.

Writing your own obituary makes sense for the person who likes to control everything; they won’t have to come back and haunt the family member who wrote the obit, but left out vital information. The control freak can plan their entire demise from coffin to outfit and now – obituary. 

Will some obits be like an acceptance speech at the academy awards where the winner thanks everyone in their life? Or will “self obits” become like the last annoying Christmas newsletter nobody wants to read? Will it be the last hooray to rub in the noses of others as you list your lifetime achievements, making them feel inadequate? 

Every five years you should rewrite and edit your obituary to keep it fresh, keep it current. As for editing – do you think the ‘self obit’ can be edited? I don’t see why not. It’s not like the deceased will know. The wife and children may decide to print the truth and shred the glowing review the deceased gave himself; which leads me to my next question.

Can a ‘self obit’ be contested like a will? Is it subject to change or is it written in stone? If enough people sign a petition can editing be done? If not – then my next question is – can the spouse publish a rebuttal? Would it be printed next to the obituary or on the Ed-Op page of the paper? I think the rebuttal maybe a lot juicier to read.                                                

                                                                    

Know When To Go

The app RunPee.com (99cents) lets you know the best time to go to the bathroom at the movies. When the movie starts click the app and your phone will vibrate during predetermined slow spots, alerting you to restroom opportunities. While in the bathroom the app fills you in on what you’re missing. When you return to your seat you no longer have to ask your date what you missed and annoy those around you with your talking.

This is a great app for those who buy the 5 gallon soda jug; but if you didn’t drink 5 gallons you wouldn’t need the app. You can sit through the movie after drinking 5 gallons, but the question is – would you enjoy it when your mind is in the toilet?

This app can be a blessing for the mom with three kids because she knows one or all her kids will need to use bathroom at some point during the movie, now she’ll know the best time. Only with four kids by the time she returns to her seat she would have missed not only the slow parts, but also the best parts of the movie.                             

With this app you’ll get the person who doesn’t have to go to the bathroom, but will obey their apps command, the way they obeyed their mother when told, “Go before we leave the house.” They listen. They’re conditioned. This person will step on your feet and block the screen while crawling over you.

 When we watch movies from home we can hit the pause button when we have to pee. But, I’ve found that everybody’s time frame for how long a pause should be is different. There’s the quick pause for pee breaks. There’s the longer pause for bathroom breaks that include #’s 1 and 2. There’s the necessary pause to replenish dwindling snack supply. And there’s the eternity pause for checking e-mail, reading a book, taking a walk, watching a different movie and giving birth. One time it took us three days to watch a movie. 

With RunPee I fear people’s internal ‘pause’ will get longer and so will bathroom breaks. In the bathroom stall they’ll text a friend who is home and hits pause on the movie they’re watching because they want to see the movie they rented. I fear every woman in the theater will have RunPee. Imagine 100 women (with kids) charging to the bathroom all at once. Imagine the mayhem. Imagine the horror. Now, that’s a horror movie not to be missed.

Sleep Deprived Parents

We may not get the amount of sleep desired during the week with school and work cutting into our sleep which is why we try to play catch-up on the weekends, unless it happens to be daylight savings time weekend. Who decided to place daylight saving time (which robs us of an hour of sleep) on the weekend when we’re trying to catch up on sleep? All it succeeds in doing is making people rush and be late for church. My mother rushed to get dressed and out before she realized – she’s retired. She has no place to be. She wakes when she wants and eats when she wants. The woman has no time constraints.

But, for those of us who have time constraints, daylight saving time can be hazardous to your health. An article in USA Today on March 7 cited Christopher Barnes (management professor at University of Washington) has documented an increase of workplace injuries and that heart attacks and car accidents are higher on Sleepy Monday. To me daylight saving time is like an annual short-term case of jetlag. You feel disoriented for a while and then you get through it.

Some will use the lost hour as an excuse to not do things such as – I was going to go to the gym with the hour we lost. Some will claim it impedes their work. Ladies of the Night will now have to wait extra hours before walking the streets; otherwise they’ll lose the hard-earned title – Ladies of the Night.

If it’s true that loss of sleep due to daylight saving time can be hazardous to one’s health, then what about becoming a first time parent? In the blink of an eye two people go from sleeping eight hours a night to never sleeping. Then is a baby a danger to your health? Does sleeping four hours a night, say for one year, put you in the danger zone? And the thing about parenthood is you can’t catch up on sleep over the weekend. Does being sleep deprived and anxious put you in a high risk category? You’re told to sleep when the baby sleeps, but no one listens. You would never bath and that’s not good.

New parents are so deprived they reach in the fridge for a cold bottle and realize they’re drinking baby formula rather than beer. New parents are so deprived they put the dog in the car seat and throw a bone to the baby when going out. New parents are so deprived they powder their baby’s bottom along with their cell phone and wrap both in a diaper. Every time the baby’s diaper rings, they run around in circles.                                    

This ongoing sleep deprivation can’t be good, especially for the baby with the cell phone in its diaper. New parents spend every day looking to catch some sleep and for their cell phones. Daylight saving time may be hazardous to your health, but parenthood can be deadly. Someone should do a study, but please, hang onto your cell phone. 

When to Cut the Cord

Rachel Canning, an 18 year old, New Jersey honor student, moved out of her parents’ house because she didn’t want to follow their rules. Now she lives with her best friend’s family and is suing her parents to pay for her college education and cost of living fees. She wants the judge to award her “Dependent on her parents for support as a student.” Is this the height of entitlement or should parents be legally obligated to pay for their child’s schooling?

I have a couple of questions: What if the parents pay for her college tuition and after college she can’t get a job… do they still have to financially support her when she is legally an adult? How long can this be allowed to go on…till your adult child is 30, 40 or 50 years old? Did she ever entertain the thought of getting a part-time job? When do you cut the cord?

She doesn’t like her parents’ rules but she likes what their money can buy her; too bad it didn’t buy her a strong work ethic.

 Every kid will want to sue their parents if this girl wins her case. Every parent and child has disagreements about curfew and rules. Every parent tells their child, “You live in my house, you live by my rules.” If they didn’t they’d be your friend. There’s a difference between a parent and a friend.

A friend is the person you stayed out past curfew with. A parent worries where you are and if you’re ok and punishes you for breaking curfew. A friend is the person you hung out and laughed with rather than doing your chores. A parent internally cries when their child screams, “I hate you,” for grounding them. A friend is the person with you when you ditch school, go joy-riding and get into an accident. A parent looks at the mangled car and their child and thanks God their child walked away. Then that same parent sets up a payment plan for their child to pay them back. Hopefully the plan teaches financial and moral responsibility.

This girl wants to live away from home with no rules or responsibilities and have her parents’ financial support. She makes it sound like summer camp where your parents pay for you to swim in the lake all day. It time she learns life isn’t summer camp. It’s time to throw her in the lake and cut the cord.                                                                

Wanted Facial Hair

Beard implants are the new men’s trend. For $2,000 - $6,000 men who can’t grow facial hair can pay to have it implanted. This is great when you’re young and have a full head of hair, but what happens as you age and the hair on your head starts to thin; you’ll be left with nothing but a beard.  You’ll be like the guy who’s partially bald with a ponytail. It’s not pretty.

With beards and mustaches come grooming etiquette and the lack thereof. There’s always that one guy with the crumb in his mustache or beard.  You’re fixated on the mustard covered crumb that’s just dangling and holding on for dear life. Crumbs will always have a home with the man who doesn’t groom. Why, when Christmas is over Santa keeps his elves on fulltime just to groom his beard.                                                                         

                                                                     

What happens to the man who gets implants and years later gets tired of his beard and wants it gone? He can’t shave it. Beard implants, unlike fashion trends cannot be changed or discarded over time. It’s permanent and permanent becomes history. A man won’t be able to wax, pluck or laser it away like women do with unwanted hair.

I find it ironic that men would pay to have facial hair and women pay to have facial hair removed. It’s not fair. And yet, there’s a billion dollar industry built on women devoted to having facial hair removed. Since women don’t want a uni-brow we wax and pluck. We learn beauty is pain the first time we wax. Since we don’t want strangers picking crumbs from our mustache we wax. Since we don’t want to braid our armpit hair we wax. Since we don’t want people to think we’re wearing pants when it’s leg hair, we wax. We all wax. When we enter menopause we’ll wax - more, except for the bearded lady in the circus, she never waxes.  I think has the right idea.